he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
That accounts for only three of the penises
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
