you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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