Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
