The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
