she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
