broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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