actually, I'm a sock model
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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