I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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