On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
