I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
