Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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