i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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