I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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