I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
