Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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