I wish my penis had an off switch
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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