I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
