what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
