my phone needs a breathalizer
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
