R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
