FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
