I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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