flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
