I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
