Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
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