Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
