i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
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