Im at strip club and am horny
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
