I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize