apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Randomize
