pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize