My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he thought i was a dude.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
