They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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