it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize