Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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