Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize