This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize