Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
