my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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