literally had 100 drinks last night.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
