There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
