I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
