So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
