Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
and you fell through a lawn chair
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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