Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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