when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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