and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
