we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
