So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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