oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
