i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize