I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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