I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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