Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
