Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
if only i could text you this smell
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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