got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
