Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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