nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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