i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think people are normalizing furries
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
