That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
