your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
