My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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